Her Secret Fetish: Hatred
by kittycatwhobarks
Summary: War changes people. War changed Hermione. No one would ever have expected this of Hermione,but she can't help it. She needs it. She needs him. This story is dark, and it could be offensive due to the violence. Please read with caution.
1. hatred

Disclaimer: Nope, I do not own any of these wonderful characters. However, I do own the plot line of this disturbing story. It is disturbing and dark, so please read with caution. Please understand that I do not condone the behavior that occurs in this story. Actions such as these are only okay in Harry Potter Fan fiction. Please let me know what you think, if you note any mistakes. And if you do like it, would you like for me to turn this into a longer story. I have a few ideas of where I can take this. As a fan fiction writer, I am at the behest of my readers, so please review, critique, and enjoy.

Her Secret Fetish: Hatred

People are remarkable creatures. Their emotions, desires, ambitions, motives are all unique. Take for example, Hermione Granger. Her emotions are powerful and vary on a wide spectrum. When she is happy, she glows as bright as the sun. When she is sad, winter envelops the surrounding area because her pain is so deep that nature mourns with her. When she is angry, fire becomes her most intimate lover. Her desires, ambitions and motives seem to intertwine. She desires prestige, success and the chance to change the world, so her ambition is to learn as much as possible and to one day become the headmistress of Hogwarts. Her motives are pure- she wants to change the world ,so people can live, love and learn in a safe environment, or as safe as it can possibly be. She is not naive. No. She is determined and hopeful.

However, there is one desire that stands alone. A secret desire- one that shames her and exhilarates her. Hatred. She loves it when he looks at her through his dark, narrowed eyes. She loves it when he glares at her and his mouth forms a sneer. Oh, how her body responds. And when he shoves her into the wall and whispers in her ear how much he hates her whilst running his hands down her body, she sees red. Red for passion, fury, loathing . And, so she slapped him as hard as she possibly could across the face, her heart pounding, chest heaving, and hands shaking. He staggered backwards a few feet. He ran his hand over his mouth to wipe off the few drops of blood, and than looking straight into her eyes, he put his bloody finger into his mouth and sucked it clean. Her blood began to boil with desire. He slowly approached her as she braced herself for his attack. He slapped her hard across her face and her head collided with the wall as she slid down into a crumbled mess on the cold, marble floor. He knelt down next to her and brushed her hair out of her face. He watched her tears fall down her face and leaned in to kiss each and every falling tear. Then, his lips glided over her face in soft, soothing kisses as his lips covered hers.

Hermione shivered as they kissed for the first time that night. These were the moments that she craved: the hatred, the violence and the love that followed.

It may be wrong.

It may be disturbed.

But it's what she wanted. It's what she needed.

The nights that she spent alone, her body ached for his strong, hard hands to break and mangle her body. She ached for his lips to glide across her throat and whisper how he couldn't stand her and how she deserved to be used and abused. By him. Only him. Only he can hit her. Kick her. Kiss her. Soothe her. Ravish her. She wanted only him. As his lips left hers to glide across her throat, Hermione moaned. "Shut up." he commanded in a hoarse whisper. She smiled to herself at the sound of his voice and his urgent kisses across her flesh. She ran her fingers through his hair as his lips descended between the hollows of her covered breasts. That night she wore a black dress with several pink tulips stitched into the fabric. The dress was long with one long slit up to her thigh. He loved dresses like that. It revealed enough flesh to pique a man's curiosity and left the rest to the imagination. As his lips worked their way across her stomach, Hermione moaned, "Severus…." A the sound of her voice, Severus moved to capture her lips in a heated kiss and violently pulled back her hair, "what did I just tell you?" he demanded. Hermione yelped and kneed him in the groin. As he rolled over to tend to his pain, Hermione quickly ran to the door, but to no avail- he recovered just in time to grab her by the ankle. She swiftly fell to the floor and Severus launched his body on top of hers, grabbing her arms and pinning them above her head. With venom in her eyes, Hermione spit on him. Ignoring that, Severus roughly spread her legs and captured her lips in a brutal kiss. Hermione responded with abandon and wrapped her legs around his waist despite the shooting pain in her ankle. As she did this, Severus let go of her hands which she immediately shoved under his shirt and sank her nails deep into his back. Severus flinched and bit her lip. Blood gushed out of her lips, but they continued to kiss. Finally they had to break for air.

Breathing deeply, Hermione whispered, " You bastard, one day I will not need you, need this."

Laughing, Severus replied, " You insipid girl, you will always need this, need me."

As he said this, Hermione closed her eyes only to open them again and stare into the abyss of his dark, heady eyes as he ground his erection into her. "Oh" was her only reply. And so they gave into their wicked desires, like always. It was cruel. It was violent . It was passionate. It was…..hatred.

Indeed, they despised one another. She- because he was the closest she had to her dead lover and he constantly reminded her of him despite the fact that all she wanted was to forget. He- because she will never love him. But they needed this. The violence. The cruelty. It made them feel. Both were incredible people, but war always comes with a price. And this was theirs. This dark fetish did not change the fact that Hermione was a good person who wanted to help others. It also didn't change the fact that Severus was a brilliant potions master. War changes people- that is inevitable. They couldn't explain why their mutual hatred was such an aphrodisiac. It just was.

No one knew about this secret affair. Hermione couldn't stand the idea of anyone knowing that she thrived at the thought of being hit, of being violently taken. Severus was ashamed that seeing her reduced to a broken corpse was a turn on.

Most of all, they were ashamed that they loved hating each other.


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: I own nothing but the disturbing plot. Please review. Any problems, concerns? What do you like? What do you hate? Tell me.

Her Secret Fetish: Hatred

I long for him. Like people stuck in a burning house long for air. Except that I long to be burned by him. I cannot explain this. I know that it is wrong, but it is what it is. After all, he makes me feel. Anger. Passion. Hatred. When he looks at me with spite and malice in his eyes it feels like he is penetrating my soul and I love that feeling because it hurts.

I know he hates me. I know that he loves my whimpers of pain as he hits me. Kicks me. Punishes me. Ravishes me with brutality. It feels so good. When we are together, I am raw, passionate, fearless and…..alive. The pain is not only an aphrodisiac. It is also my solace. My rebirth. I need it to live because without that agony, I fear that I will just wither away. Without him, I fear that the world will see through my act. I am not whole. The war broke me and when Draco died the pain became too much to bare, so I shut down emotionally. I just threw myself into work and withdrew from my family and friends until that faithful night when I saw Severus Snape again. I never imagined that anyone would look at me with so much hatred. Oddly enough, his gaze turned me on. It also made me angry because he had no reason to hate me this much and I wanted to confront him. That sizzle, that fire was the first time that I felt anything in two years. I wanted to feel again, so I seduced him. When we are together, I see parts of the woman that I used to be. I crave for those moments of revelation almost as much as I crave for him. . His rough hands ripping apart my flesh angers me, scares me, arouses me. And I love him for that. Of course, this little tidbit I will take to the grave because it is my revulsion of him that fuels his anger, his agony, his lust. If he knew that I cared for him, I would no longer be an enticement to him.

Her back was to the door as she gazed into the fire. She did not hear him enter. Her eyes were a dark emotionless abyss as she stepped closer to the fire and slowly reached out towards the flames. Just as her hand grazed the fire, she was forcefully pulled away from the flame and a warm, hard body enveloped her small frame. Hermione could feel his breathe on her neck as she held in the joyous agony from touching the flame. Severus took her burned hand and softly kissed the burned flesh. He lovingly kissed each and every finger before moving down to kiss the palm of her hand. Then, with the tip of his tongue he circled her palm and started kissing up her arm till he came to her shoulder. Moving her hair to the other side, he kissed her shoulder and neck as his hands roughly explored her body. Just as Hermione was about to surrender to the pleasure, Severus swiftly moved to face her and slammed her into the wall. He took her injured hand and started squeezing it until Hermione screamed in pain. When he finally let go of her hand, Hermione breathed in deeply and moaned as she slid to the floor.

" Severus…..please…..more….I need more," she whispered.

" No," he said, and promptly picked her up off the floor ,pushed her back into the wall and lifted her skirts as he slowly entered her.

That night Severus made love to Hermione. Not once did he hurt her again. As Hermione neared her third orgasm, Severus whispered into her ear, " I promise that later on tonight you will be in more agony than any I could cause you now through physical violence." With these words, he gave her another lingering kiss and with one more hard thrust Hermione fell into oblivion, screaming his name.

Shortly afterwards, Severus had his orgasm. and without another word he left her as she slid to the floor, her legs too weak to hold her up. Sitting there, Hermione pondered his actions and words. This was the first time that their encounter included so little violence. She hoped he would not make a habit of that. However, later that night she understood what he meant.

Lying in bed, Hermione thought about their encounter over and over again. Severus was so gentle. So kind. So erotic. He has always been an incredible lover- strong, fierce passionate, violent, fulfilling- but tonight he was soft, enduring, so aware and in tune with all her needs. Tonight, he made sure that it was all about her. Tonight, he made love to her. Hermione wanted more of that. It hurt her deeply that he was not there. For the next several days, that was all Hermione could think about, and in the depths of the night her body longed not only for his violent caresses but his gentleness as well. For the first time since they began their affair, Hermione wanted more than a violent fuck. She needed more from him. And that ate away at her soul. Exactly as Severus had promised.

Oh, how Hermione hated him. Hermione ached all over. Behind her closed eyelids, all she could see was Severus. Hitting her. Punching her. Kissing her. Fucking her. Making love to her. The desire hurt so much. She loved the painful desire. She despised him. She needed him. Deep down, she loved him.


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: characters do not belong to me, nor do the song lyrics.

Please, please PLEASE review! If you love it, tell me! If you hate it, tell me! Notice any grammar errors, inconsistencies, let me know. I'll worship you FOREVER if you do!

By the way, this is a longer chapter. Hope you like it!

Feels so good being bad  
there's no way I'm turning back  
now the pain is my pleasure  
cause nothing could measure

Worn out and aching, Hermione wearily dragged herself through her flat to her bedroom and fell on the bed. Comforted by the soothing sensation of her thick and soft coverlet, Hermione fell asleep still dressed in her work clothes. As usual, her dreams were full of death and violence.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Flash back~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Shouts, cries of agony and death permeated the grounds as the final battle raged on in Hogwarts. In the center of the field, fire and ice faced off. Ron stood gripping his wand tightly facing Draco, who was smirking at him as if there was no doubt in his mind that he would win this fight. But Ron was on a mission: kill every death eater in sight for he watched his father and two of his brothers die a merciless death. His anger and anguish made him a stronger and more determined fighter. One who was even strong enough to defeat the likes of Draco Malfoy, who finally showed his true colors.

" Flipendo!" yelled Ron as Draco started moving towards him. " Finite Incantatum!" yelled Draco, expertly blocking Ron's spell. Unaffected, Ron raged on: " Petrificus Totalus," pointing his wand directly towards Draco's chest. Draco, however, quickly jumped aside, and the spell hit the ground instead. " You don't stand a chance,Weasley!" yelled Draco. Now, circling around one another, Draco smirked, asking, "Did you know that I've been fucking your mud blood girlfriend?" Hearing this, Ron faltered a bit, giving Draco a chance to hit Ron with the Crutiatus curse. Ron's screams echoed throughout the grounds.

Laughing Draco said, "Yes, she is a tasty little morsel, indeed. And she believes that I actually love her!" Even through his pain, Ron re-called moments of Hermione coming in blushing or trying to hide a coy smile, and his rage in discovering that one of his best friends was being betrayed helped him break the spell. "Expelliarmus!" he yelled with a passion that only one who truly knew how to love another could. Draco's wand soared out of his hand and into Ron's, who was still on the ground, weakened from being hit with an unforgivable. As Ron struggled to get up, Draco made a run for it but to no avail. " Petrificus Totalus!" yelled Ron, this time binding Draco in mid-run. Finally on his feet, Ron approached Draco, ready and willing to kill him once and for all, but a familiar voice stopped him just as he began uttering the killing curse.

"Ron!" screamed Hermione, "Don't!"

"What other choice is there, Hermione?" replied Ron.

"Ron…..please…..I love him" whispered Hermione.

"He is a deatheater, a powerful one!"

"I know, but you don't have to kill him. You could just lock him up!"

"No, Hermione. You know that till we win we cannot spare anyone because Voldermort won't care, so keeping them alive is a danger to us!" screamed Ron as he turned back to a trapped Draco.

Amongst the chaos and darkness, Hermione, in complete desperation, wrapped her arms around Ron's waist.

" I'm begging you…..spare him."

Rigid in her arms, Ron sighed and levitated Draco into the air. " I am doing this to spare you anymore pain, Hermione, but you need to know that he would never have done the same for you," he whispered as they retreated from the battle field.

" I know…" Hermione replied as tears ran down her face. Those tears represented a myriad heartaches: a one-sided love affair with the enemy, her betrayal of her best friends, and the possibility that they might just lose this war for as the doors closed behind them, Hermione caught glimpses of her peers, teachers, and friends falling, their empty eyes promising a dark future.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~end flash back~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Waking up covered in sweat, Hermione shook all over. That was one of the many nights she wished she could forget. Sighing, she grasped her burned hand and pressed her nail into the burned flesh. It felt so good. The pain helped her forget, helped her calm her nerves. If only Severus was here, he could really help her forget and more importantly, make her feel something other then shame, for after Hermione's system shut down and she became numb, the only emotions she felt were anguish, guilt and shame. Those emotions were worse than being numb. Getting out of bed, Hermione quickly jotted down a note to Severus and called her owl, Lily. The owl reminded Hermione of Harry's mother, for she had the same beautiful emerald eyes and she radiated with intelligence and kindness, just like the real Lily did. In a strange way, naming the owl Lily made her feel closer to Harry, who passed away shortly after the war ended from severe internal bleeding. Sending Lily off, Hermione sat by the window, gazing out at the stars. She knew that she had so much to be grateful for, so much to live for: her family, friends, Ron. Especially Ron ,who even after losing almost his entire family, Harry, and his girlfriend, Luna, he was there for her, despite her betrayal. But somehow, the only person who gave her the strength to keep on living was Severus. She knew how twisted that was, but she could not help it. Lost in thought she almost did not hear the knock on her door. When Hermione opened the door, Severus stood there, leaning against the wall.

"Couldn't resist could you?" he whispered as his penetrating stare burned her flesh. " No," she breathed. Straightening himself, Severus walked into the apartment, shut the door, and roughly pulled Hermione to him. " I am going to ravish you so hard that you will literally be unable to walk tomorrow. And it will hurt, I promise you that" he said before capturing Hermione's lips in a bruising kiss.

Still kissing, he picked her up and carried her into the bedroom.

That night, a woman's cries of pain and pleasure mingled in the air. The smell of blood and sweat permeated throughout the apartment complex. The sounds of torn flesh and bodies colliding with hardwood floor tore at the hearts of people walking by and neighbors alike. But no one made a sound for they knew that within those walls two broken souls found solace in the only way they knew how.

Love is great, love is fine  
Out the box, out of line  
The affliction of the feeling  
Leaves me wanting more  
[Cause I may be bad  
But I'm perfectly good at it  
Sex in the air  
I don't care  
I love the smell of it  
Sticks and stones  
May break my bones  
But chains and whips  
Excite me

Again,REVIEW!


	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimer: I own nothing but the plot of this freak show. Hope you like it!

Hermione laid in bed, watching Severus put on his clothes in silence. The bed sheets were stained in blood, and for a moment Hermione wanted to throw up, looking at her soiled sheets. She stared in wonder at them, asking herself, 'why do I let him do this to me?'

Fully dressed, Severus quirked an eyebrow at Hermione's perplexed expression. "Something the matter?" he asked. When Hermione did not respond, he crawled onto the bed and forced Hermione into a brutal kiss. " I asked you a question," he growled into her lips. " N-no, " whimpered Hermione. Releasing her, Severus stood back up and went to the door, whispering, " until next time…" And then he was gone. Hermione sat there for a couple of minutes, just staring into space. She felt the pain of her current situation and her past grasp at her heart strings, and she cried out, " ohh…God….." Stumbling out of bed, Hermione quickly grabbed the bed sheets and pillow cases, and stuffed them into two bags before throwing them into the trash can. She wanted to burn them, but she feared that the fire would be too much temptation. She glanced at her right hand, which was still healing from the time she hurt herself just before Severus came to her for another secret tryst. Just thinking of how the fire felt on her skin and Severus's fingers pressing into her burnt flesh sent shivers up her spine.

" I am sick," she whispered to herself, disgusted that she was so turned on. Lately, Hermione had been struggling with her depraved desires. She hated the fact that she put on a brave front for her family and friends. If only they knew how badly she was still suffering…. If only they knew what she did. Would they still love her or would they cast her aside,ashamed of her weakness,disgusted with what she was doing?

War leaves physical and emotional scars- that is an inevitable fact. For about a year after the war ended, Ron drowned his sorrow in alcohol, Neville sought comfort in the arms of many a lover, Ginny locked herself away from the world outside. The list went on and on. But slowly, wizards and witches started to recover. Towns were re-built, a memorial to those lost was created, and life went on. People learned to laugh again. People were able to enjoy living again: a night out with friends, a good book, the giggling of children, the caress of a lover. Of course, the sorrow was still there, but it no longer consumed their souls. The wizarding world was blooming again, like flowers in spring- ever so slowly but surely. Hermione was a different story, though. For whatever reason, her despair only worsened as time went on. In Severus, she found a reprieve. And she hated that. She hated needing him. She could not stand the idea that she was so turned on by his violence. But what could she do? Somewhere along the line, she fell in love with him. It wasn't just about the sex or violence anymore. It was about the fact that it was _Severus _ hitting her. _Severus_ touching her. She could not imagine allowing another man to touch her and brutalize her the way Severus did. But then again…..she hadn't been with any other man besides Severus since Draco died.

Draco….

"No!" she muttered to herself, " I will not go there!" Entering her bedroom again, Hermione gazed at her bare bed and with a determined glare, she made a decision that changed her life.

Yep. I really did end with a cliff hanger. But I am not evil. I gotta keep you lot interested somehow!


	5. Chapter 5

Disclaimer: I own nothing

A/n: Sorry! So sorry! I know it has been forever since I last updated, but in terms of this story, I have been completely blocked! Because it has been so long, I've made this a longer chapter. Hope that makes up for things! Please review!

Severus twisted and turned in bed. This way. That way. He laid on his back. On his stomach. On his side. He just couldn't get comfortable. His body ached all over. His mind would not shut down. He just could not stop thinking about _her. _

Two months. Two months have passed and he has not heard one word from Hermione. He has sent her countless owls, and not once did she respond. He could not seek her out at work because they had an agreement that no one was to know about their relationship.

Relationship. Is that what they had? Or used to have. Severus could not wrap his mind around that idea. After all, all they ever did was have sex. Violent, passionate, meaningless sex. And yet….he missed her. So much. Growling, Severus, flipped the covers off his body and got out of bed. He grabbed a glass from the kitchen and went into his study. Once there, he grabbed a bottle of firewhiskey out of the cabinet, settled into his chair, and filled his glass up. Taking a sip, he sighed. The drink burned his throat and settled his nerves. 'where is she?' He wondered. Closing his eyes, Severus envisioned Hermione as he liked to remember her best.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~flash back~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`

_She laid there ,broken but sated. Her body scantily covered by her silk sheets. Her long brown hair spread around her head on the pillow. Simply beautiful. With a slight smile, she whispered to Severus, " that was amazing…" Leaning forward, she wrapped her arms around his waist and laid her head on his shoulder. He agreed, mumbling incoherently. She lightly kissed his shoulder and grinning, said, " thank you for staying…" Freezing up, Severus roughly pushed her off him and got out of the bed. Pulling on his clothes, he curtly replied, " I'll see you next time," before apparating out of her room._

_~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~flash back ends~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~_

Rubbing his temples, Severus cursed himself for leaving the way he did. That night was the one and only night that he stayed with her, however short it was. Staying was also the only way he could ever reveal that she was more than just a fuck to him. He couldn't say that he was in love with her, but he certainly cared for her. Though, he supposed, his behavior said that he didn't care for her. After all, who hits and beats the person they care for? Chuckling warily, Severus was reminded of just how unhealthy his relationship with Hermione was, but damnit, he _wanted_ her so badly. There was just something about that witch that en-flamed him. Despite the fact that he didn't love her, he wanted- no needed- her to love him. Perhaps the reason he wanted her love was because he saw just how happy her love made Draco and he, too wanted to feel such exquisite happiness. Her inability to love him despite everything he has done caused an anger that consumed him and brought out his violent nature. Surprisingly, _that_ was what drew Hermione to him, he knew. And he hated that fact. He hated that she loved it when he did those violent things to her, before ravishing her roughly. He didn't like the fact that he could smell her arousal as he crushed her hand. He hated the way she moaned when he licked her blood off of her body. Most of all, he hated that he got _so _bloody hard seeing her broken.

These sullen thoughts caused a frenzy to rise up in him,and so he trashed his study. He threw the glass of fire whiskey onto the floor. He cleared his desk with one powerful sweep of his arm. He smashed his chair and cabinet. Exhausted, he fell to his knees, sobbing.

"Hermione!" he screamed.

Shortly after his melt down, Severus went back to bed and fell into a fitful sleep. Images of her face, her body- her broken, bleeding body- consumed his dreams.

Hermione loved her job. As a Healer, she nursed people back to health, and after spending 8 years of her life trying to destroy someone, nothing could be more freeing than bringing people back to life in whatever way possible.

Working from 9-5, Hermione left St. Mungo's exhausted but satisfied and as she apparated to Hogsmeade to meet up with Ron and Ginny for dinner, she felt a sense of peace. She finally took the necessary steps to kick Severus from her life. She knew that being without him wasn't going to be easy, but it was necessary. All around her people were healing and moving on with their lives. She wanted to, too. And as a Healer, she felt like a hypocrite, treating people with serious injuries from the war and telling them to not let those injuries and memories bring them down ,when she herself couldn't do it. She could no longer allow herself to give in to her masochistic tendencies, knowing that it helped her deal with her pain. She had to find another way to deal with it. After three years of hiding her secret from everyone she loved ,pretending to be ok, and all the while allowing Severus to beat her to a bloody pulp, before fucking her senseless, Hermione knew she had to make some serious changes. The first step was removing herself from Severus. The next step was to confide in the people she loved the most. Tonight, she was going to tell Ron and Ginny everything.

Swallowing the lump that formed in her throat as she thought about their reactions, Hermione repeated her mantra: " healing sometimes hurts, but it's always worth it in the end." Her lips chattered as she repeated her mantra, for tonight, winter was not kind. The air was freezing cold. The snow was falling quickly as Hermione made her way to the Leaky Cauldron. Once inside, she took off her gloves and rubbed her fingers together to get the blood flowing again. She then scanned the crowd, looking for the distinguishable Weasley hair. She found them in the back corner of the pub. As she approached them, both Ron and Ginny jumped out of their seats and taking turns, pulled her into a warm embrace. Hermione closed her eyes and breathed in Ron's warm, familiar musky scent. Taking their seats again, they waited for Hermione to place her order.

"So, how have you been, Hermione?" asked Ginny.

" I've been alright. St. Mungo has been keeping me pretty busy these days. How have you been? Given any detentions lately?" asked Hermione with a slight giggle.

Ginny was the Charms Professor at Hogwarts and was infamous for her detentions. Giggling, Ginny replied, " Not lately. I think perhaps they are finally realizing that I'm not to be messed with.

Glancing at Ron ,Hermione took his hand in hers. " And how have you been?" she asked softly.

Smiling broadly, Ron exclaimed, " can't complain. We finally caught the last of the deatheaters and hauled them off to Azkaban."

Ron was the leading Auror in all of England. He earned his title after everything he did during the war and since then.

Smiling brightly at Ron, Hermione said, " I'm so proud of you, Ron. Harry would have been proud,too,you know."

Silence suddenly fell over the three companions as they thought about their fallen friend.

"You think so?" asked Ron with a slight smile.

Nodding her head, Hermione said, " I know so."

Then their food arrived, and they all dug in. They ate in relaxed silence for the most part, occasionally cracking a joke here and there.

'God, this feels so good….to be just be here with them,' thought Hermione. Two hours later, after a hearty meal, lots of laughter and catching up, Hermione knew she could no longer post pone telling them her secret. She ordered a shot of fire whiskey, needing all the liquid courage she could get for what she was about to do.

Swallowing her drink, Hermione took a deep breathe before saying, " Guys, there is something I need to tell you, and I need you to listen very carefully to me. Please don't say anything till I'm finished,ok?"

Noting the quiver in her voice, both Weasley's agreed, but not without a feeling of dread filling up their stomachs.

" You remember what it was like right after the war ended…we were all so happy and yet so heart broken. We all found ways of dealing with the pain… Ron, you almost drank yourself to death and Ginny, you locked yourself away for months on end. And I…."

"You were there for us all," Ron finished.

" Yes… I didn't know how to deal with the pain. I was so numb, so I just threw myself into dealing with everyone's pain. I sort of shut down if you remember…"

Ron and Ginny both nodded but didn't say a word.

Wrapping her shaking hands around her drink, Hermione continued, " Well, you see, I ,too eventually started dealing with my pain in an unhealthy way… I….. I got involved with Severus and we've been sleeping together. Only, it's not quite how you imagine it. He…he abused me…and I liked it. I wanted to be beaten and violated because it made me feel things. I was numb for so long that I just needed to feel _something."_

Hermione paused and looked up at her friends. They were looking at her with tears running down their faces.

"Hermione….." Ginny began.

"No! Hermione stated firmly. " Just let me finish. I need to do this. I know that this is hard for you to hear, but it is even harder for me to tell you. You have no idea how ashamed I am." Pausing for a minute to take another deep breathe, Hermione bit her bottom lip before continuing. " You have to understand that I wanted Severus to do those things to me. I was the one who started thee violent aspect of our sexual relationship. Anyway, the reason I am telling you this is I realized that I cannot go on living like this. I need help."

Having finally said those words- I need help- to another person, Hermione felt relief slide throughout her body. Looking into the eyes of her two remaining closest friends, she prayed for their understanding and compassion.

Ron could not believe his ears. How could Hermione have been doing this for all this time without him knowing? He was supposed to be to his best friend. He should have known. He knew that she was struggling more than others,but never did imagine that she was doing something like _this._

Hands trembling, Ron grasped both of Hermione's hands and brought them to his lips. He kissed her palm and each of her fingers before leaving their fingers entangled on the table.

"Hermione, I am so sorry. I have not been there for you. But I am here now, " he said,choking on his words as tears filled his eyes.

Ginny remained silent.

" No, you have been there for me, I just have not relied on you. But from now I will. It's going to be difficult. I need Severus's touch the way I need to breathe. But I refuse to go to him again."

After Hermione said that, Ginny burst into tears.

"Oh,Hermione... I am so sorry... I- I don't know what to say..."

" It's ok,Gin. You don't have to say anything. I'm just happy that you're still here. I was afraid you both might be disgusted with me.

Startled,Ron looked up at Hermione with wide eyes.

"Hermione...how could we possibly be disgusted with you? We _love _you. If war taught us anything it is that you have to hold on to the people you love no matter what. I will _always _be there for you!" Ron whispered those words with a fierceness in his eyes that she has not since the war.

Clearing her throat, Ginny asked, " What now?"

A/N: Whew that was sort of intense! So, what do you think of Hermione's decision? Do you like where this is going. Let me know! Review.

I know that Ron may be a little ooc but i imagine that after surviving the war he matured a lot.

Ahem, Astarte-lydianna: Thanks for your critiques! I hope this chapter made it a bit easier to follow the plot. If, not I'll keep working on it.

Anyone else struggling to follow along? Let me know! Again, thanks for all the reviews and subscriptions! i hope you continue reading!

Anyway, I hope this chapter made up for the really long delay. I'll try and update more frequently. Please review!

Love,

Kittycatwhobarks.


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